News of 3199 Turn Zero

Sirans Report Triumphant return of 6th Allied Fleet to Gryt


On reports of a ESB in system JGJ180X, 6th Allied Fleet, under command of Sirian Admiral Gorickal, was ordered to defeat and capture the vessel. Elements of the fleet arrived in the system on 3198.379 and quickly located the vessel. For the flow of events we now reproduce part of the message from Admiral Gorickal:

6AF has located and captured the ESB in system JGJ180X. The ESB was capable of external defence, which was quickly suppressed. Control over the interior of the ship was only established after hard fighting in which marines of all polities involved acquitted themselves well.

Co-operation between the allies was satisfactory. Reservations harboured before the action to each others fighting capabilities have been replaced by mutual respect. Although the issue was never in doubt all personnel feel proud of the achievement and morale has lifted as a result.

After the ESB was captured, it was decided to dismantle it and move it to friendly space for research. The Gryt Space Wharf workers volunteered for this activity and succeeded in the operation in 115 days. This remarkable feat was celebrated by approximately 678 thousand enthusiastic citizens of the Sirian Socialist Systems in Quadrant 7. The soldiers and workers were welcomed with a great fireworks display and a military parade.

In the first echelon marched the Marines of the Sirian 4th Shock Fleet, the Centauran Fleet and Esteeler Reserve Fleet Richard E Fleming, followed by numerous Navy personnel. After this the Repair Yard workers paraded. The line was closed by various Sirian Star Guard, Ground Force and Revolutionary Militia formations. After the parade several participants were decorated for valour and achievements. All those involved in the operation have been presented with a commemoratory medal bearing the inscription: Capture and recovery of Exterminator Ship at JGJ180X. 3198.379 3199.130

The united intelligence effort of the Alliance in Quadrant 7 is now investigating the Exterminator ship. This will in time result in new ways of meeting the Exterminator threat and will bring us closer to victory. Humanity will Prevail!


Q5 3199.127

What a guy! What a surprise! A hundred days ago he was a derided, washed-up politician, accused of venial incompetence, corruption and links with organised crime, quayling [sic] in terror of his enemies and clinging to power only thanks to his powerbase on DisneyWorld [!] and the patronage – weakened – of an indulgent lameduck President Billary Hallmark. Today he bestrides the Esteeler political world like a new Colossus [sub- check Colossus bestrides things?] and has his eye on the Presidency.

Never has there been a more dramatic shift of fortunes. Alphonse Z. Potato’s personal rating as Governor of Quadrant Five has risen from 8% to today’s rating of 89%. His support is over 70% in every demographic subgroup except transsexual donkey-lovers – and his campaign claim they will soon crack those tough nuts. In speech after speech Alphie has known exactly what to say to hit the voter’s G-spot every time. In person, or on tri-vid, he keeps them coming.

What other politician could speak at the Quadrant Five Private Offensive Weapon Zero and Plug’em League {POWZAP} and get a standing ovation with the same speech verbatim he gave thirty minutes earlier at the Holistic Intercommunity Pansified Pacifist Youth {HIPPY} – where he also got a standing ovation? This guy doesn’t just have spin doctors, he has spin miracle-workers!

Previously he had reliable support only from “pork” butchers, cable guys, garbage contractors, stockbrokers, bankers, lawyers and similar riff-raff. Now he has the Great and the Good literally eating from his hand and Ordinary Voters literally tugging at the hem of his garment seeking a blessing from the Great One. Just look at his new policies:

WAR WINNING The Exterminator War seems to be being won; Berserker attacks are easing off, megadeaths are falling to acceptable levels, news of victories is flooding in and the days of austerity are close to an end. Voters are giving Potato credit for every piece of good news, while blaming the bastard Treens for anything which goes wrong. Seems fair.

IT’S THE STUPID ECONOMY Interest rates cut and increased simultaneously to give boosts to industry, commerce and consumers; economists “incredulous at his brilliance” [Hard Sums Review]. Potato has been nominated for this year’s No-bull Prize for Economics and his ‘neo-heterogeneous compound stochastic binomial growth theory’ is being feverishly emulated as fast as it can be understood – which is only by the most brilliant economic minds. I understand it, by the way.

CRIMINALS SAY SORRY Crime rates slashed – in most categories crime falls by over 50% – by Potato’s ‘Tender Hatred’ and ‘Long Blunt Shock’ programmes which have united crazed bloodthirsty capital punishment advocates and woolly liberal do-gooders alike in wonderment at their proven efficacy. Former vicious criminals throughout the Quadrant are denouncing crime in their thousands and enrolling as care volunteers at old folks’ homes or taking religious orders in poverty-vowing contemplative communities. Well some have anyway.

BEER, CHOCCIES, MASSAGE Public works increased to record levels in a series of self-financing private/prescott deals of dizzying complexity and brilliance. A new programme guaranteeing free beer, chocolate and sensuous massage for all voters while taxes are cut to a new low, throwing thousands of tax bureaucrats out of work to be retrained as sensuous masseuses. Now that’s my idea of public service!

And what of the Presidency? Governor Potato is now in the front ranks of those seeking the Star Party nomination for the Election of 3200. His next ambition is the nomination, which will be agreed on 3199.250. Potato is up against Senators Ross Frink [S. New Edo] Jock Fungus [S. HighLand] and Durva Izom [S. Paradise] as well as his fellow Governor Leo Diaperstein [S. Quadrant 2]. It’ll be tough, make no mistake – but Potato’s GFA total ratings are now on 22% [up from 1% on 3198.299] putting him in third place behind Frink and Fungus. And Potato’s fundraising has been phenomenal; complementing a personal fortune of previously unsuspected size has been a flood of corporate donations and high-net-worth individuals flocking to the ‘Potato for Prez’ Campaign, now estimated at CR300Bn

Whether Potato can win the Presidential Election against the best of the Reform party, and given his dodgy history before his current burst of unexpected brilliance, only Time can tell, and as Marx* himself said, “Time wounds all heels”…

Burwasher Honoured by The Empire

Q7: 3199.127 Earth Empire

News has just come in that Earther Admiral of the Black, Andrew B Burwasher, supreme commander of joint human forces in Quadrant 7, has been made Baron Burwasher of Granyt by the Emperor. Personnel in his fleet have been awarded a special campaign medal too.

Mass Killing in Wellington City.

Dateline Ritchie Q4, 3199.128

Over 120 people died as ex-soldier Tory Langager went on an uncontrolled killing spree in the downtown shopping mall of central Wellington City. Apparently, Langager had a history of violence and an immediate investigation has been opened as to how it was he remaind untreated for severe mental illness for so long. Armed with an illegal heavy weapon, grenades and stolen military powered armour – he smashed his way into the mall, killing the security guards and indiscriminately shooting in all directions. Fortunately a Starship Marine close protection squad was stationed in the nearby diplomatic district, and they brought down Langager with close range SCA fire. He was pronounced dead at the City Hospital shortly after the incident. An ewitnesses said “it was like a vision of hell – this huge mechanicial killing machine just mowed down women and children – when the marines turned up everybody cheered”. It took several hours to bring the fires started by the killer’s grenades under control.

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