Sports Shock of the Century:
Dateline: Hayama City Stadium, Old Mars Q0 3207.227
In the greatest turnaround in the history of Spaceball – the Venerian team has won the Universal Spaceball championship.
The Venerian team were rated as rank outsiders in the competition – but in a stunning display of high-energy spaceball, their team, led by team captain Colonel Krapatki, achieved a startling 12-11 victory over the Martian team in the final.
Of course, much has been made of the problems that have beset the Martian team this year – but all commentators give full credit to the Venerian team’s exceptional performance.
There were those who were less generous – and scuffles broke out between Martian and Venerian fans after the final and a number of arrests were made. Later the Venerian team’s hotel was fire-bombed and Earther security forces ordered a security lock-down of Hayama City and deported most of the rowdy off-world fans the next day.
This is the first time ever that a Venerian team has won this prestigious competition.
‘The Master’ Escapes from ‘Escape’ Proof’ Prison
Dateline Hookum Q1 3207.156
Notorious ganglord and criminal mastermind, Hans Van Creveld has reportedly escaped from the famous Nordheim Secure Facility on Hookum. This facility was thought to he utterly escape-proof. Van Creveld, who was imprisoned for murder, robbery, extortion, terrorism, piracy, conspiracy, heresy and shoplifting. He was thought to be behind much of organised crime in quadrant 1, and was referred to by allies and enemies alike as ‘The Master’. A full investigation is underway as to how he managed to achieve the impossible and escape – meanwhile every police force in the quadrant is on the alert. We understand that the Imperial Audit Office in Q1 has canceled all leave and issued a ‘Mauve Alert’.
Amoss Under Martial Law:
Dateline Amoss Q6 3207.184
Sirian colonial authorities have declared martial law in the colony of Amoss – officially due to “…illegal and anti-democratic forces corrupting the body politic”. GF forces have been landed, and some reports are coming in of the parliament building being surrounded by hovertanks and the newly elected Sirian Revolutionary Party government of President von Strucker have been rounded up by Sirian Military. Political observers in the quadrant comment that this is the second time in recent years that a colonial polity has acted to repress local governments. In this case it is believed that Sirian Governor El-Ron Hub’ar is taking advantage of the current political weaknesses in the SSR to exert his political muscle locally.
The action has not gone unnoticed. Earth Quadrant Governor Armstrong said in a recent press statement “…the Sirians can’t just crush the legitimate aspirations of the Amossians. We strongly condemn these repressive actions, and strongly suggest that Hub’ar reconsider his actions. This might get more than he can handle, if you get my drift.”. Governor Hub’ar was not available for comment.
Meanwhile, newly independent Douglas is reportedly forming an ad hoc ‘Interstellar Brigade’ of volunteers to go and join the Amossian resistance against the Sirians. Elsewhere there were violent protests outside the Sirian embassy on Blenda, in which resulted in several arrests and a small fire.
Van Hazard in Touch with ‘Visitors’
Dateline Clewg Q8 3207.190
Controversial scientist, Professor Van Hazard of the Clewg-based Alternative Research Centre has been making claims recently of being able to communicate with the extradimensional visitors that have visited human space in recent years. Van Hazard said, in a recent press statement “It is all a matter of becoming attuned to their frequencies. I have proved that the visitors have been visiting humanity to guide them for centuries – probably since earliest times – though we have chosen to see them as ‘ghosts’ or ‘spirits’. Of course, as a man of Science, I know that we just have to open our inner selves to the vibrations and we can communicate”.
The scientific community was, again, skeptical of Van Hazard’s claims. “Last year he had discovered Cold Fusion. The man is bonkers” one reputable researcher said to us.
“Van Hazard is a deluded madman” said another. Of course Van Hazard is dismissing the objections to his work and his methods as “mere professional jealousy – they said Geller was mad in his day….”
Millions Mourn Star’s Passing
Dateline 3207.172 – KT Q5 3207
Much-loved KTian comedian Lionel Lister died at his home aged 141. He first gained widespread fame about a century ago when his popular tri-vid : ‘Mr Edwards Goes to Earth’ became a big hit. A multi-talented performer, Lister also performed comedic songs accompanying himself on his antique moog synthesiser – during his career he wrote and performed over 400 songs. Most recently gained a big hit with “We’re Going to Hang Out Our Washing on A Berserker’s Turret” – an uplifting and morale-boosting patriotic song written during the dark days of the First Exterminator War.
A native of KT, Lister is to be remembered with a civil memorial in the Planet’s Capital, Formby.
Police Chief Resigns as Crooks Escape with Millions
Dateline 3207.182 – Bogomiles Q2
In an outrageous daylight robbery a gang of thieves raided the main Bank of Bogomiles in the capital city of Revelation. Police and security proved unable to stop the gang, who allegedly used armoured vehicles and a shuttle to break into the While some of the gang broke into the vault using plasmatic borers other held off the police in a 20-minute firefight in which 12 police lost their lives. By the time additional military resources could be called upon, the gang had made its escape. The failure of the police in anticipating such a major crime – and the slowness of the response has led to considerable criticism of the local police department. City police Chief, Commander Wyk Istlink has resigned. Currently a massive manhunt is underway, and the system has been shut down by the government.
Freak Floods Drown Spaceport
Dateline 3207.182 Heim Q7
Unexpected sub-oceanic tectonic movements are blamed for the sudden tsunami that flooded the coastal city of Feelmore on Heim – resulting in over 30 deaths, and the inundation of one of the planet’s main spaceports. Port operations are not expected to return to normal for at least an octant. Meanwhile, traffic is being shifted to other ports – though there will be a significant impact on the local economy brought about by the inevitable long delays in shipping.
Anti-Earth Rioting on New Mars
Dateline New Mars Q0 3207.222
A major demonstration protesting against Earther ‘occupation’ of Old Mars, turned violent when the marchers were prevented by the police from demonstrating outside the Solar Republic Embassy on New Mars. Over 70,000 protesters turned out, and police had to deploy riot foam and over 1,000 riot cops to control the situation. The Chief of Police said “…look, we’ve got nothing against these people havin’ their say – but strewth – they were getting a bit stroppy there, you know…”. Over 200 arrests were made, and 17 police were injured. A spokesperson from the march organisers, Ms Fiona Spart said “..we were peacefully expressing our objection to the imperialist capitalist Earther expansionist hegemony, and then, with no provocation whatever the running dog lacky Earther-loving cops decided to start a ruck. We just defended ourselves against Earther-instigated police brutality. Bastards.”
Colonial Referenda and Memberships – from our colonial correspondent
The following colonial worlds are planning referenda:
Referenda have been held on the following worlds:
MB291 Q5 has voted to apply for membership of the MAFC
Ankh Q1 has signed the 7 Worlds Alliance Treaty – Nose is considering leaving the 7WA treay and holding a referendum on polity membership.
Gordon Q7 has joined the Eastern Defence Bloc
The following worlds have voted against holding a referenda on giving up their independence: Jigger Q8, Joice Q6 and A14 Q0
It is reported that Carter Q6, Nose Q1, Z16 Q7, Z164 Q8, Ploot Q8 and Tessla AH are planning referenda at present.