GOVERNOR POTATO: FIDDLING WHILE MILLIONS OF US BURN
By Laurie Wapshott, of ‘ The Grudge Report’. Dateline: OVER, capital world of GFA in Q5, 3199.029
Although it seems that recent news is marginally better in Quadrant Five’s War against the Exterminators, we have to ask ourselves how we got into this mess in the first place. What kind of Leaders do we have? With the help of insiders from both the Star Party’s campaign team on Over, and sources on board the Governor’s ‘yacht’ Pentland Firth, I was able to piece together the following picture of Potato’s greed, selfishness, stupidity and links with organised crime.
To deal with the latter first. Potato claims to be a ‘waste management consultant’. In fact, Governor Potato’s operation is funded by drug-running, gambling, cable TV, prostitution, offplanet banking, and counterfeiting. That much is certain. His office will not deny it. What you may not know is that he has been accepting kick-backs from space pirates to reveal to them the navigation plans of vessels carrying large numbers of refugees and their possessions –usually the most well-off GFA citizens. I can now explain why twenty-seven refugee vessels, carrying a total of 3,150 people, were assaulted by pirates in the last two years in Q5 – the highest figure ever – and exactly how the pirates were able to predict their positions with such accuracy. Local StarGuards with whom the flight-plans had been filed told them! Funnily enough, the same StarGuards then ‘were too busy with the Exterminator Menace’ to escort the refugees… what a surprise. The proceeds of these vile crimes were then passed to organised crime through the so-called ‘Independent Traders’ which now help fund Potato and his seedy chums.
And as we gear up for the mightiest War humanity has ever seen, how is Potato spending his time? Life on his luxury vessel ‘Pentland Firth’ is the most unbelievable concatenation of sybaritic luxury, corruption and immorality ever seen in this Quadrant. The converted Type-5000 hull is crammed with artworks and antiques stolen from worlds across the Q5-GFA and staffed with dozens of chefs, musicians, courtesans and entertainers to provide every service required by Potato and his entourage of very wealthy hoodlums, pop and movie stars and business people. In a giant platinum Jacuzzi full of chocolate mousse, naked, sits Potato and his forty-seven nubile ‘personal assistants’, serenaded by billion selling-crooner Gary Fabrizzio and with Q5’s greatest paintings, video installations and statues scattered around the Great Cabin. From here he controls his Evil Empire of Crime. But don’t forget, Potato, we have an eye on you. © – L. Wapshott, Grudge.
319 9.029 GOVERNOR POTATO’S INSTANT REBUTTALS UNIT REPLIES:
Laurie Wapshot is a sick, lonely, bitter and twisted individual who is attacking the Governor because she failed to gain a job on his personal staff because of her history of nymphomania, drug addiction and child abduction. This story is a pathetic attempt for ‘revenge’ on a man who gave her every chance. She is also being paid by a political rival. This can all be proved.
Governor Potato normally does not choose to reply to such gross attacks on his personal integrity, but in this case he will point out the following and ask all fair-minded people to decide for themselves.
There is no evidence whatsoever for the Governor’s involvement in anything illegal. Law Enforcement officials and judges are frequent guests on his yacht. He enjoys the full confidence of President Hallmark.
In particular, the Governor denies any knowledge of space piracy. The unfounded attack on the StarGuards of several systems is hotly rejected. The Governor is in the forefront, not only of suppression of piracy, but in turning the tide of the Exterminator War.
It is true that on board ‘Pentland Firth’ are some of the GFA’s greatest wealth-creators and most talented minds, who are all there voluntarily as the Governor’s guests. They have, naturally, brought some of their high-value personal possessions with them. In our free society they can choose to be there if they wish. Everyone has to be somewhere. Presumably Wapshit would prefer them to be imprisoned or shot for being wealthy. Perhaps she would be happier in Sirian space?
The Governor has agreed to safeguard the contents of certain Art Collections and Museums for the duration. This is an act of pure public-spiritedness and everything has been valued and catalogued for eventual return to its home. To call this ‘stealing’ is vile calumny.
The accusations of immorality are rejected. The Governor is a happy family man. If sometimes the Governor works while bathing it is because he works a twenty-hour day. His extensive staff is necessary because of the vast amount of work the Governor generates for his able and dynamic team. His team regard him with great affection. Singing and dancing? If professional entertainers wish to rehearse while his guests, the Governor will not prevent them!
Rest assured Governor Alphonse Potato is working for you all, despite crazed attacks by desperate politically motivated hacks with severe mental problems.
Task Force Settles Misunderstanding
Dateline Draconis Q7 3199.034
An official press briefing by the Earth Government has explained that a Task Force of the Imperial Fleet visited the independent system of Draconis, following an earlierminor incident involving an Earther Destroyer that was visiting the system and had been reported missing. After ‘Frank and Fair’ negotiations it turned out that the Draconian Government were able to help the Task Force with its enquiries, and the Destroyer is now, reportedly, with the fleet once more. The negotiations were not without some turmoil, however, and during the time of the visit the planet broke out into civil war and the reiging ‘Emperor’ was deposed. Some sources are alleging that this was as a result of Earther interference, though at this time it is difficult to get any sense out of the Draconians due to the ongoing civil war.
Top Venerian War Hero Arrested by VISC
Quadrant 5, 3199.010
The famous Hero of Quadrant 5, and holder of numerous medals and awards, has been arrested by the feared Venerian Interstellar Special Constabulary. An official communique indicates that the Admiral was arrested for ‘tax irregularities’ – though independent observers have speculated that this was, in fact, a move by the Venerian Government to remove a popular and successful admiral before he could capitalise on that success and gain political power in the quadrant.
The Admiral has been replaced by Admiral Lugaburruga – famous for a particularly vicious audit of junior ranks subsistence allowances in 3197 and presiding over the notorious Loopy Court Martial in 3193 in which the entire crew of a Fleet Auxiliary vessel received death sentences.
Another Exterminator Base Rumoured
Quadrant 6 3199.001
News is leaking out that the Martians have located a hidden Exterminator Base deep in Quadrant 6 – though no-one is saying anything about exactly where. A combined fleet of Martians, Esteelers and Earthers is apparently forming for some mightly blow to wipe it out – codenamed Operation Bailiff.